life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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