i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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