The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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