Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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