the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
this just has baby written all over it
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
