margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
