I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
And then he peed in my hair
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