There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
