I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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