im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
