Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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