conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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