I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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