I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
