Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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