My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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