Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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