I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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