I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
