I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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