I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
