remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
