God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize