That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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