dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Need sex. Gaining weight.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
