hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
