I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
