im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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