Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
