Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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