I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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