mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
