apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
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