Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i used baking grease as lip gloss
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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