Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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