jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
