Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
