My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Come see our sink grown plant.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
