Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
