I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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