Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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