as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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