I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
