She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize