Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
