Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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