are you still at the devil's house?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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