i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
