ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
