i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Holy sore nipples Batman
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
