Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
