I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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