Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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