i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
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