Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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