my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
