Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
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