its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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