he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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