I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My vagina just clenched in fear
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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