i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
