I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
