normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize