Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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