The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
