Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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