We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
