Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
