Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
